Stop me if you’ve heard this one:
Conductor to orchestra at the start of rehearsal:
“Please get out your pencils. We have some marking to do. The first two bars are in 3/4, not 4/4 as written. Next, in the 5th bar, change it to 7/8 and this remains to the end. In bar 7 we lower the pitch half a step. In bar 13 lower the pitch one whole step and this will remain to the end. In bar 26 where it says strict tempo, cross that out and write in molto rubato. In bar 32 cross out the grand pause. And in bar 44, take out the legato and write in staccato.
Thank you. Let’s begin.”
Soprano soloist: “Excuse me, Maestro. What would you like me to change?”
Conductor: “Nothing at all, Madam. Sing it exactly as you did yesterday.”